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Cheer up ! (Read 46724 times)
Fermenting Tom
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Wife and Hotel bed..
Reply #4240 - Sep 26th, 2018 at 5:59pm
 
It's not always what it might seem !



A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

So, his wife lies down on the bed...and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Like
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says in an ominous tone, "are you doing here?"

Hotel Manager" Would you believe I'm waiting for a train"?

Wink Wink
F.T.
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Pre divorce hearing.......
Reply #4241 - Sep 26th, 2018 at 9:43pm
 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me !

Wink Wink
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Explaining Politics.................
Reply #4242 - Sep 26th, 2018 at 10:32pm
 
With all the hot air from Liverpool this week, thought this appropriate....That sounds about right. 


         

             MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT  OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD MY HIM, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."

            

            HE SAID, "NO."

            

            I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."

            

            HE SAID, "YES."

            

            I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON"

            

            BILL GATES SAID, "NO."

            

            I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."

            

            BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

            

            I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.

            

            HE SAID, "NO."

            

            I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."

            

            HE SAID, "OK."

            

            AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS HERE IN  AMERICA.

            

             And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government.

            

            The practice is unbroken to this date, even reaching the U.K.

Wink Wink
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Sounds familiar ?
Reply #4243 - Sep 30th, 2018 at 11:34am
 
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.

"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance "

Wink Wink
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Cost of First game of Golf
Reply #4244 - Sep 30th, 2018 at 5:00pm
 
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a ghost, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the ghost. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the ghost asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the ghost said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, ghost?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"
So the ghost and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon. The ghost was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the ghost  looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

Ghost smiles – Really?
Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in ghosts?
Wink
FT
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Jock's forthcoming wedding.....
Reply #4245 - Oct 12th, 2018 at 2:41pm
 

Two  Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.

‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ says Jock.

‘I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...’

Archie nods approvingly.

‘Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continues Jock.

‘A kilt?’ exclaims Archie, ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that!

And what’s the tartin?’

‘Ach,’ says Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.’

Wink Wink
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The Photographer part 2
Reply #4246 - Oct 12th, 2018 at 5:11pm
 


  'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

  'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

  'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

  'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

  The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

  'Oh, my God!'  Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

  'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

  'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

  'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

  'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

  'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in'

  Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

  'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

  'Tripod?’, she queried, nearly fainting.

  'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long – Mrs Smith, wake up……………wake up…………….are you OK?

Wink Wink
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The Photographer part 1
Reply #4247 - Oct 12th, 2018 at 5:12pm
 

  There is not one dirty word in it!

  The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

  Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

  'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

  'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

  'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

  After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

  'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there'

  'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
.....contd
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Retired Sailor
Reply #4248 - Oct 16th, 2018 at 9:05pm
 
A lot of knots, even for a sailor.....

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time's sake.
He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
After a couple of minutes, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back .

Wink Wink
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Lesson on human anatomy
Reply #4249 - Oct 17th, 2018 at 10:25pm
 
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework, and,
Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

Wink Wink
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Suits $5.99
Reply #4250 - Oct 19th, 2018 at 9:49pm
 
Bubba and Billy Joe are on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.”

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here!  We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Alabama, sell 'em and make a fortune.  Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if’n they hear your accent, they might think we's ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39.  I'll back up my pickup and...."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba.  "How come y'all knowed that?"



"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."

  Wink Wink
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50 yr celebration
Reply #4251 - Oct 20th, 2018 at 9:17pm
 

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and goes back to her knitting.
Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"
She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

He goes back to his newspaper, but a few minutes later, he looks at his wife and whacks her across the head.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"
Not looking up from his newspaper, the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference.

Wink Wink
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Doctors Permission........
Reply #4252 - Oct 21st, 2018 at 7:40pm
 

The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack.
The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.
After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife.
"Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate sex! You'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office.


His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note.
Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.'
Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"

; Wink Wink
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Newly weds.......
Reply #4253 - Nov 7th, 2018 at 1:44pm
 
Tom was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.

His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've just been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend so much of your time out here in your garage and could consider selling some of your machinery and stuff…like your gun collection, fishing gear, boat, and lose all those stupid model airplanes. And sell that vintage hot rod sports car, and dump that home brewing kit”…Tom got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her..

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, “Nothing…but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied, “I wasn’t…."

Wink Wink
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Chat up line.................
Reply #4254 - Dec 21st, 2018 at 9:11pm
 
A man is alone in an airport lounge.  A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
                     'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
                    Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
                    'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:
                  'What the fookin' hell do you want?'
           
'Ah!' he says            "Ryanair".

Wink Wink
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NOT P C...........
Reply #4255 - Dec 21st, 2018 at 9:18pm
 
Totally inappropriate, politically incorrect, racist, sexist, misogynistic and everything else that goes with it……


I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia on the last question last night.

The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair"?

Apparently, the answer is Fiji.


_______________________________________________

A priest booked into a motel and said, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

The receptionist said, "No, it's just normal porn, you sick prick".


________________________________________________



I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.

All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up,
some of us have a home to go to".


________________________________________________


I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot
and said "F#*k me".

What happened next will haunt me forever.

Wink Wink
F.T.
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The kindness of the Irish
Reply #4256 - Jan 5th, 2019 at 6:11pm
 

The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man.

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 34 dinners available."   



It certainly wasn't Ryan Air !!



When they took God out of the schools, the devil brought in the guns and drugs.
Wink Wink
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Grandma's still driving..........
Reply #4257 - Jan 6th, 2019 at 7:32pm
 
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
   The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus'  bumper sticker.
   I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
  So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
  Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
  I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
  It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
  I found that lots of people love Jesus!
  While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!', 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
  What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
  Everyone started honking!
  I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
  I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
  I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
  I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
  He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
  Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
  My grandson burst out laughing.
  Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
  A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
  I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
   So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon,
Love,
Grandma.
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Trustee/Director--Dudley C V S //  Hon. President--Parkinsons UK Dudley Branch //
Member-- Stourbridge Sons of Rest // MRAWF Wine Judge  // Member Coeliac U.K.-// Dudley Wine Circle .
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Fermenting Tom
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I'll 'ave anoter glarsh
!!

Posts: 19857
Quarry Bank
Gender: male
A Winters Tale.................
Reply #4258 - Jan 11th, 2019 at 4:41pm
 
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"
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wait for it
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it's worth it....trust me
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"That was Thora Hird."

  Wink Wink
F.T.
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Trustee/Director--Dudley C V S //  Hon. President--Parkinsons UK Dudley Branch //
Member-- Stourbridge Sons of Rest // MRAWF Wine Judge  // Member Coeliac U.K.-// Dudley Wine Circle .
WWW Fermenting Tom James T. Keys fermentingtom  
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I'll 'ave anoter glarsh
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Posts: 19857
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Gender: male
Married 50 years
Reply #4259 - Jan 12th, 2019 at 5:41pm
 
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said to her, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl."

"Now... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?  They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

Wink Wink
F.T.
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Trustee/Director--Dudley C V S //  Hon. President--Parkinsons UK Dudley Branch //
Member-- Stourbridge Sons of Rest // MRAWF Wine Judge  // Member Coeliac U.K.-// Dudley Wine Circle .
WWW Fermenting Tom James T. Keys fermentingtom  
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